Well this is just sad

I could really care less that it's Halloween. I didn't grow up celebrating it, so missing out on parties or trick-or-treating is no big deal.

It is lame, however, that everybody else I know is doing something tonight, and I seem to have a hot date with my dorm room.

My roomie and suitemates are gone for the weekend and the day, respectively.

I don't have any parties to go to.

I have no car to go get a free Chipotle burrito, and everybody I texted who has a car already has other plans.

Because of the World Series, there aren't any new episodes of my favorite TV shows online that I can watch.

I don't have any good movies laying around.

Chris is off to a party so I can't spend the evening talking to him.

I don't even have any homework to finish.

Sigh.

I need a car.

Right now, I...

...should be writing notes on Calvin or putting the finishing touches on my paper.

...have succeeded in putting both off all day.

...keep getting confused about what day it is.

...blame Mid Rags and Torrey Conference for that.

...am quite unsure as to whether I am going to stay up to accomplish what I need to or go to sleep and wake up early.

...know that if I plan to wake up early, I won't actually do so.

...have only gotten 9 of 30 chapel credits finished so far this semester.

...have realized while checking that number that the good chapel accountability people spelled Tremper Longman's first name incorrectly.

...am hoping I remember to turn in my timecard tomorrow and pick up lecture recording equipment on Friday.

...am also hoping I'll remember that I'm supposed to record the Torrey Hermeneutics Conference on Saturday morning.

...do not quite know why I'm voluntarily spending a perfectly good Saturday morning sitting through that thing again, even if I am getting paid for it.

...am wearing incredibly comfy Biola logo sweats on my roomie's incredibly comfy couch with an incredibly comfy, bright turquoise, microfiber blanket.

...want Chipotle.

...am happy I have a fish.

...wonder if that girl who was giving away her turtles is going to get back to me about them.

...should probably stop now.

Let's be honest, shall we?

I dare you to acknowledge your problems, and I dare you to do so honestly, without romanticizing them.

I dare you not to say things just for the sake of getting under people's skin, or for the sake of trying to stand out, or for the sake of trying to fit in.

I dare you to answer truthfully when someone asks you "how are you?" I dare you to answer that you're doing great or that you're struggling, if either happens to be true.

I dare you to do what you love, regardless of who might look down on you for it.

I dare you go a day without makeup.

I dare you to sing your favorite song in the shower at the top of your lungs.

I dare you raise your hands in worship or leave them at your side or kneel or stand or cry or dance, however you feel like expressing your love for God, without caring what everybody else thinks.

I dare you to admit it if you're mad at God.

I dare you to trust Him even if you're mad.

I dare you to trust people, too.

I dare you to be open to them.

I dare you to be open to God.

I dare you to hurt and know that it's okay, and I dare you to let God gradually heal you.

I dare you to be honest.

Prayer.

We (myself definitely included) tend to get frustrated with God when we pray about something and He doesn't give us an immediate answer. So we pray again. And again. And again. And often, we're still frustrated.

I realized tonight that when we do that, we're not praying the way God tells us to.

1 Thessalonians 5:17: "Pray without ceasing."

Not "pray often." Not "pray repeatedly."

Pray.

Without ceasing.

Nonstop.

Continually.

Always.

God, I have noticed, tends to work less often in the instantaneous and more often as a process. He knows that's best for us. That that's how we'll grow and trust Him. I think we'd start taking Him for granted pretty quickly if we prayed and BOOM, He handed us what we ask for. He responds over time. We tend to pray only when we want something and stop when we receive it. God wants us to have a relationship with Him, and so He wants us to be in constant communication with Him.

It's not some form of divine manipulation, as if He were dangling the carrot of our desires in front of our faces to keep us moving forward in pursuit of something that we'll never quite reach, but a give-and-take, like any healthy relationship.

Pray. Without. Ceasing.

God isn't a puzzle that we need to find the secret combination of the right words to say or the right number of times to get down on our knees before He'll respond to us. He is always in the process of responding. Sometimes not the way we want Him to. But in the way that He knows is best.



Directly before the instruction to pray without ceasing is the instruction to "rejoice always."

Directly after, the instruction to "give thanks in all circumstances."





Absorb.

Ponder.

Pray.



Always.

In class...

I honestly believe that the day will come when my prof is here on time... maybe...

I always hope that maybe class is canceled. Today would be a particularly good day for that to occur because CHRIS IS COMING in about an hour and a half and I didn't quite finish the work I needed to do last night despite staying up til 4:30 and getting up at 8:45. I don't have much left, maybe 45 minutes or an hour tops, but still, it would be preferable to get out early and have extra time.

Probably won't happen.

We have a quiz today which I read ahead for, but I'm afraid that might actually be to my detriment because I don't seem to remember things I didn't cram for.

Hmmm...

Well, at any rate, CHRIS IS COMING!!!! SO STOKED!!!

Dear goodness

That last post was way longer than I thought it would be. That seems to be the pattern lately. It feels good to be writing again.

Now if only inspiration would come so readily when I need it for homework...

Finding joy

Nobody, as far as I can tell, has read my last blog. However, if anyone has, unbeknownst to me, you saw that I said I need to let my general happiness come across in what I write more, since I usually tend to write only when I'm upset about something.

I think my thoughts on this subject are best divided up into two parts.

Part 1:

There are some people who I do not wish to emulate. These are the people whose Facebook status updates are constantly occupied with depressing song lyrics or dark musings or flat-out complaints about how difficult their life is. The funny thing is, in most cases either the dark updates aren't representative at all of what these people are like in person (in which case it baffles me as to why they'd portray themselves that way), or these people really do not have it that bad.

Dr. Reynolds made a remark at this year's Torrientation parent reception about how our culture is obsessed with having problems. We, for some reason, feel compelled to romanticize and play up the things that happen to us that really are not all that tragic. That said, I freely admit that I'm not immune to posting such gloomy updates, although I usually try to be a bit cryptic when I do so.

There are a few people I know who, if anyone had the right to cry out about their struggles, would definitely be among those entitled. The funny thing is, these people who have every reason to let themselves get trapped in despair and self-pity and depression tend to be the ones who don't romanticize it. They acknowledge that they're hurting. They acknowledge that life sucks at the moment.

But they praise God in the midst of their storm.

Not to imply that they say that "Oh, God is so FANTASTIC! Even though I'm being bombarded with hardships, I feel FANTASTIC!" That kind of attitude isn't healthy either. God allows us to hurt. It's a perfectly human emotion that we shouldn't run away from or ignore or smother. I admire these people for being honest about their pain, yet not falling into the realm of "woe is me, I have nothing to live for." They recognize that no matter how hard it is to see it at the time, that God IS working and that He DOES have a purpose for whatever is happening and that He WILL heal in His perfect timing. But God also understands that we don't heal instantly, and He wants nothing more than for us to let Him lovingly hold us in His arms while we wait for our open wounds to heal.

I admire few people more than those I know who have learned to hurt, and to hurt honestly -- not making it out to be the despair from which they can never return, not pretending that the knowledge of God's ultimate good is an overnight fix and that they're perfectly happy.

Why are we so quickly drawn to be more interested in other people's pain rather than their joys? Why are we so prone to let ourselves be so caught up in our own struggles that we think they are insurmountable? Why do we refuse to trust God, or even if we say we trust Him, to truly let Him carry us?

Part 2:

I allow the events in my life to dictate my happiness. I think it's safe to say that we all do, at least to some extent. I've been thinking, though, that I need to learn to better find joy in even the mundane things.

I was extremely stressed and frustrated the last time I posted. Writing tonight, my emotions are the polar opposite, because I've managed to mostly get ahead of my workload, and Chris is coming to visit for the weekend. To say I'm overjoyed is a bit of an understatement.

(I am desperately resisting the urge to insert a smiley face after that last sentence. I refuse to do so when I'm purely writing, not IM-ing or Facebook-ing. But an exclamation point seems like overkill, and a period seems emotionless. So if you are reading this, mentally superimpose a smiley face somewhere in that gap.)

I'm not saying that it's wrong for me to feel upset when something overwhelming happens or happy when something good happens, but I think I need to learn to not let events alone dictate my outlook on life from day to day.

Over the course of the last year and a half or so, I've learned to remind myself constantly that God is good, no matter what is going on. If I'm having a day where everything goes beautifully, God is good. If I overslept and didn't finish my reading and was late to work and find out that Chris is in more pain than usual, God is good. If I have a perfectly uninteresting, unremarkable day, God is good.

I think I'm finally coming to a point of being able to cling to the belief that God is good regardless of what's going on in my life. Finding joy regardless of what's going on, however, is something I've recently realized I need to work on. I don't mean that I need to find a reason to be happy all the time, but I need to be able to see things, even the smallest things, as having goodness in them on good days and bad alike, and to thank God for those smallest things. I think He gives us subtle blessings to keep us sane, but we tend to overlook them.

For example, the last time I wrote, when I was totally overwhelmed, it had been a perfect fall day outside. I didn't get to spend much time in it, but walking between classes and my dorm, I got to enjoy it. I have a bamboo plant sitting on my bookshelf, and whenever I see it I'm reminded of how much I like having something alive in my room aside from people. My roomie makes coffee in the morning sometimes, and even though I don't drink it, the smell of it helps me get out of bed instead of burying myself under the covers longer in denial of everything I have to do that day. For some reason, my eyes change colors, and they are always the coolest shade of green after I've just been crying and the rest of me looks like a mess.

Small blessings. Small joys. I need to learn not to take those small things for granted, to see them as the faintest touches of God in my life that give me additional encouragement on good days or remind me to breathe on bad days. I think it's easy to forget about God on the mediocre days, when nothing in particular seems to drive me to ask Him for something or to praise Him, and those small blessings should be a reminder to me of His goodness even then.

It's 2:30 in the morning and I have notes to take on Martin Luther and an essay to write before I can sleep. My small blessing right now is simply the anticipation of the freedom I'll feel when it's done.

God is good.

I promise I'm not usually this depressing

It's just that, for some reason, I seem to feel more inspired to write when I'm frustrated, or upset, or whatever else other than joyful. I should probably work on that... God is good, all the time, and I am completely convinced of that and in general, I'm a fairly happy person, and I'd rather I come across that way more on my blog... Hmmm, I'll have to work on that in the future...

Tonight, however, is not the future. Tonight is a night for venting. Partly because it's not even tonight anymore -- the sun should be rising within the next hour or so, I think. And it's a weekend. And I was up this late last night too. Not doing any typical fun, laid-back, Southern California college student fun things, mind you, but working on this beast of a paper.

Ironically, I'm pulling weekend all-nighters working on a beast of a paper (Torrey paper, to be precise) that's not even due for nearly a month. The thing is, though, the weekend that I would normally be using to write this thing I'm going up to visit Chris, since it's a long weekend thanks to the break from homework that Torrey Bible Conference allows. Half of Biola takes off to go on adventures that weekend, so I am joining them and heading up to NorCal, since it's one of only 3 chances I have to see Chris in SEVEN MONTHS. (I am officially not a fan of long-distance relationships, by the way.) The paper of doom is due the following Friday, and because I have very little time during the week and limited free time on my weekends between now and then, I am trying my darndest to get a good chunk of this thing cranked out this weekend.

I am extraordinarily frustrated by the process.

I cannot seem to stay focused, so it's taking me way longer than is necessary to get through each step of my preparations. When I can focus, my brain seems to be processing inordinately slowly and devoid of brilliant profundities. I've been sitting in the same spot in my room for about 22 hours total since Friday afternoon and I don't have nearly enough to show for it. I'm not sure why it's taking so long. My paper preparation both semesters last year consisted of "Oh shoot! Mid Rags is tomorrow! I'd better throw an outline together!" And that approach served me strangely well.

It's a frustrating topic I've picked, first of all -- whether man should seek the divine things of God, what those divine things are, and how he should seek them, using arguments from Gregory of Nazianzus, St. Bonaventure, and Paul, and writing in the style of Thomas Aquinas. Oy vey... Very slippery, abstract concepts I'm dealing with, and I'm using the Bible as evidence as to whether it is Bonaventure or Gregory whose perspective is more correct, but I'm limited to 4 books total, and while I've found a few scattered helpful verses in Ephesians and 1 Corinthians, I'm worried about whether those few verses are enough to be strong arguments against books that are several hundred pages in length.

In this midst of all this, Chris has been backsliding from the improvement he was making last week. He's supposed to come visit on Thursday. If he doesn't, that will be the third time that his health has, at the last minute, gotten in the way of us being able to be together and knock us down to only two short weekends together in the span of 7 months. All of which is, needless to say, exceedingly frustrating for so many reasons... and not helping me stay focused any better...

I've also been experiencing some really bad stomach and chest pains pretty frequently the last few days... this isn't the first time they've shown up -- they started back in May, but they haven't been this bad in months. Yet another inconvenience.

There are so many bigger problems in the world than mine. A family from my high school just lost their daughter (who was in the class behind mine) to a brain tumor. She's healed now and standing before Jesus. But I can't even imagine their grief. That's just one example. It should put things in perspective... but I'm still struggling.

I need focus. I need clarity.

And then I need some time to be still and know that He is God.

And right now, I need an hour-and-a-half power nap. Here's hoping I wake up to my alarm...