I have never felt so defeated. Not even by algebra.
I'm a writer. This is supposed to come naturally.
What gives?
March 30, 2010
March 28, 2010
Survival...
...the theme of the two weeks leading up to Spring Break. Seven days down, three to go. Just three more sleepless nights ahead.
Focus. Breathe. Both are harder to do than I would like right now.
It all gets done. Somehow.
I often wonder if the powers that be conspire to front-load the semester with work. I do hope the misery that entailed will result in a little more sanity in the final stretch until summer.
Changing. And God.
A year ago, I liked safe. Trendy. Blonde. Pop/rock. Sarcasm. Complexity. Noticeable. Jeans. Movies. Predictable. L.A. Pretending/trying to be deep. Answers.
Now, I like unconventional. Vintage. Red. Indie (though I admit I still have a "sweet tooth" for Top 100 hits). British wit. Simplicity. Subtlety. Dresses. Stories. Change. NorCal. Admitting I'm not deep. Questions.
College has been good for me. I hate the phrase "finding myself," because who I was before was who I was then. I haven't found something I'd ever lost, or become something I ever wasn't. It's just growth, change, maturing, living.
There will never come a day that I cross some metaphorical line and say, "Oh, now I know who I am, now I know who I am supposed to be, now I have become." God works in every moment. I was who He had planned for me to be before, I am who He planned for me to be now, I will be who He plans for me to be in the future.
I hear people say that they are "becoming who God wants them to be," which in a sense is true, but I don't believe that God is ever dissatisfied with His constant process of creating us. Not to say that we should ever content ourselves with immobility or imperfection or passivity, but that we should embrace that each moment, and who we are in it, matters. Is significant. Is, in its own way, beautiful.
Not because of us. We are often ugly. But God's work in our ugliness is so great that it is often painful, and always beautiful.
Now, I like unconventional. Vintage. Red. Indie (though I admit I still have a "sweet tooth" for Top 100 hits). British wit. Simplicity. Subtlety. Dresses. Stories. Change. NorCal. Admitting I'm not deep. Questions.
College has been good for me. I hate the phrase "finding myself," because who I was before was who I was then. I haven't found something I'd ever lost, or become something I ever wasn't. It's just growth, change, maturing, living.
There will never come a day that I cross some metaphorical line and say, "Oh, now I know who I am, now I know who I am supposed to be, now I have become." God works in every moment. I was who He had planned for me to be before, I am who He planned for me to be now, I will be who He plans for me to be in the future.
I hear people say that they are "becoming who God wants them to be," which in a sense is true, but I don't believe that God is ever dissatisfied with His constant process of creating us. Not to say that we should ever content ourselves with immobility or imperfection or passivity, but that we should embrace that each moment, and who we are in it, matters. Is significant. Is, in its own way, beautiful.
Not because of us. We are often ugly. But God's work in our ugliness is so great that it is often painful, and always beautiful.
March 26, 2010
Wishing on 7:11
I wish for 3,000.
I wish not for success at this point, but to be saved from failure.
March 24, 2010
Insanity: Day Two
I spent a good ten hours in Sutherland today spending quality time with Hobbes and Descartes.
[Praise God from whom all luxurious sofas flow.]
Two submissions for Evangelical Outpost remain before I can start my paper -- one of them before I can sleep. On top of everything else, sickness has been lingering in my lungs most of the day and threatens to invade full-force any moment.
I did, however, spend a few minutes talking to Torrey freshmen and chased some ducks on my way back to my room after the lights went off in Sutherland, which gave me a bit of joy and a second wind.
[Praise God from whom all luxurious sofas flow.]
Two submissions for Evangelical Outpost remain before I can start my paper -- one of them before I can sleep. On top of everything else, sickness has been lingering in my lungs most of the day and threatens to invade full-force any moment.
I did, however, spend a few minutes talking to Torrey freshmen and chased some ducks on my way back to my room after the lights went off in Sutherland, which gave me a bit of joy and a second wind.
March 22, 2010
Endurance
Standing between me and Spring Break:
Three books totaling roughly 444 pages
One 600-800 word blog/essay rewrite
Two new 600-800 word blogs/essays
One 3,000-3,600 word paper
Four chapters of journalism
One 150-200 essay on a current event
One large group project
Three responses to other essays.
Five shifts at three jobs totaling roughly 18 hours
Twenty-four hours of class time +
________________________________________________
Next to no sleep or meals until then.
The majority of these things have to be accomplished by 5pm on Friday. It's going to be a fairly miserable few days. After becoming overwhelmed enough to have a good breakdown this afternoon, I think I've shifted into forcing myself to only really be aware of what I'm working on in the moment, not everything that still needs to be done. Hopefully I can stay there.
And hopefully this will not be the time I finally have enough to pull me over the precipice of failure upon which I can't seem to stop teetering.
Lord, give me grace...
Three books totaling roughly 444 pages
One 600-800 word blog/essay rewrite
Two new 600-800 word blogs/essays
One 3,000-3,600 word paper
Four chapters of journalism
One 150-200 essay on a current event
One large group project
Three responses to other essays.
Five shifts at three jobs totaling roughly 18 hours
Twenty-four hours of class time +
________________________________________________
Next to no sleep or meals until then.
The majority of these things have to be accomplished by 5pm on Friday. It's going to be a fairly miserable few days. After becoming overwhelmed enough to have a good breakdown this afternoon, I think I've shifted into forcing myself to only really be aware of what I'm working on in the moment, not everything that still needs to be done. Hopefully I can stay there.
And hopefully this will not be the time I finally have enough to pull me over the precipice of failure upon which I can't seem to stop teetering.
Lord, give me grace...
March 21, 2010
Jimboys
Last October when I came to visit, Chris introduced me to a place that instantly became my newest edible love affair.
It might even have edged out Chipotle, and THAT is saying something.
Steak so greasy it leaves a pool on the plate, melted cheese, lettuce, and a generous heaping of pico de gallo all bundled into a piping hot, deep fried (crispy, but still soft) corn tortilla coated in parmesan cheese... If the most beautiful music you've ever heard had a taste, it would taste like this. Right now, it's only been 13 hours since I last had a Jimboys taco, and my mouth is watering. The yearning is great, dare I even say, quite overwhelming.
The tragedy in all this is that I have only ever, in my life, had 4 of those wonderful, exquisite tacos -- two on two separate occasions.
Jimboys, as it turns out, exists only in the Sacramento area of California and a few locations in Nevada, meaning I am almost always between 400 and 1,600 miles out of reach. And I have yet to discover another taco joint that even distantly compares.
I wither in agony.
It might even have edged out Chipotle, and THAT is saying something.
Steak so greasy it leaves a pool on the plate, melted cheese, lettuce, and a generous heaping of pico de gallo all bundled into a piping hot, deep fried (crispy, but still soft) corn tortilla coated in parmesan cheese... If the most beautiful music you've ever heard had a taste, it would taste like this. Right now, it's only been 13 hours since I last had a Jimboys taco, and my mouth is watering. The yearning is great, dare I even say, quite overwhelming.
The tragedy in all this is that I have only ever, in my life, had 4 of those wonderful, exquisite tacos -- two on two separate occasions.
Jimboys, as it turns out, exists only in the Sacramento area of California and a few locations in Nevada, meaning I am almost always between 400 and 1,600 miles out of reach. And I have yet to discover another taco joint that even distantly compares.
I wither in agony.
March 18, 2010
Thursday morning confessions
I have a deep love for string cheese.
I'll use any highlighter color except yellow.
I think cows are adorable and would love to adopt one.
The palms of my hands are ticklish.
I'll use any highlighter color except yellow.
March 16, 2010
March 15, 2010
March 14, 2010
Oversimplification
Ever notice how things will be "instant" or "one-click" or "3 simple easy steps?"
It's all lies, really.
Example: my Campbell's Soup on the Go says "Just Heat and Sip," but really, you have to go find a microwave, take off the plastic cap, remove the pesky tin covering underneath that, clean up the inevitable drops that fly out during the previous step, put it in the microwave, heat it up, stir, wait for it to cool enough that it won't scald your tongue, and only then can you sip.
Kinda makes me want to throw it on the ground to prove that I ain't a part of the system.
It's all lies, really.
Example: my Campbell's Soup on the Go says "Just Heat and Sip," but really, you have to go find a microwave, take off the plastic cap, remove the pesky tin covering underneath that, clean up the inevitable drops that fly out during the previous step, put it in the microwave, heat it up, stir, wait for it to cool enough that it won't scald your tongue, and only then can you sip.
Kinda makes me want to throw it on the ground to prove that I ain't a part of the system.
Happy Sunday
Blue sky, sunshine kind of day.
Church with mom.Groceries with mom.
Chipotle with mom... extra for later!
Hair dyeing.
Dress-wearing.
Ice cream-enjoying.
Paper-planning.
Yes, please.
March 13, 2010
March 10, 2010
So, so good
Andrew Lloyd Webber apparently decided to write a sequel to Phantom of the Opera. As far as the plotline of the show, entitled "Love Never Dies," my opinion is that it's a pretty bad idea.
1. The man can't write a decent story (the original was adapted from a book by French author Gaston Leroux written in the early 1900's).
2. Phantom has one of those endings that is better left untouched. It destroys the mystique that's so pivotal throughout the entire plot to actually answer the lingering questions left by the ending of the original play.
3. The "air" of the story of Phantom just seems so much more fitting to an opera house in France than to Coney Island, where the sequel is set.
However, despite my quibbles with the sequel, Webber is a fantastic composer, and my first impression of the the music from the show is, in a word, goosebumps.
I can't stop listening to this:
1. The man can't write a decent story (the original was adapted from a book by French author Gaston Leroux written in the early 1900's).
2. Phantom has one of those endings that is better left untouched. It destroys the mystique that's so pivotal throughout the entire plot to actually answer the lingering questions left by the ending of the original play.
3. The "air" of the story of Phantom just seems so much more fitting to an opera house in France than to Coney Island, where the sequel is set.
However, despite my quibbles with the sequel, Webber is a fantastic composer, and my first impression of the the music from the show is, in a word, goosebumps.
I can't stop listening to this:
March 8, 2010
March 7, 2010
Let the day be remembered as the day that Dr. John Mark Reynolds "liked" one of my statuses.
March 7, 2010
Deciphering
There are some people who I'll never be able to understand. Mainly the ones who make their own lives worse and tell me they're okay. Or who admit that they're hurting, but water down how badly.
I'd be there for you if you'd let me.
Not to try to fix your problems, because only He is capable of that.
But I don't want you to feel that you have to be alone.
I'd be there for you if you'd let me.
Not to try to fix your problems, because only He is capable of that.
But I don't want you to feel that you have to be alone.
March 5, 2010
Bad mood
Little things get to me.
I'm in a weird place of hating how frustrated I am with people but at the same time I honestly want to wallow in it for a bit.
Real mature, I know...
Sigh.
Photos of the day, and a short anecdote
At the bottom of "Caf Hill," the curb in front of the baseball dugout is crumbling so that it forms a small ramp.
It's a not-so-well-known, but well-loved Biola student pastime to roll apples down the hill so that they launch off the "ramp" into the ditch between the curb and the dugout.
(The idea is really to land the apples on the dugout roof, but that rarely happens.)
Vanessa had two apples that have been sitting on her desk for three weeks.
She absently asked what she should do with them.
I suggested, since we've been intending and forgetting for months to do so, that we join the ranks of the apple-rollers.
Much to our dismay, however, there was a Campus Safety patrol car parked at the top of the hill, and we suspected they might not look kindly on our intended form of amusement.
We realized, however, that the apples still smelled good, and thus the afternoon was redeemed.
The following pictures ensued.
(This is me trying to scan my ID card to get into our dorm... with it still in my back pocket. I was unsuccessful.)
March 3, 2010
It's heeeeere
I just received back the first copyedited version of the book I cowrote over interterm.
Yeah, ya know, no big.
Yeah, ya know, no big.
March 1, 2010
From my other blog
First post -- technically it's a blog for class, but I found myself becoming thoroughly engrossed in my topic and spending entirely too much time working on it, so I might actually keep it around... Let's call it my "professional" blog, perhaps?
http://jrn.biola.edu/~miller_b/wordpress/
- - -
Giving "real beauty" a makeover
As much as I can't stand Heidi Montag, following her recent 10-procedure makeover, she made a statement on Good Morning America that exemplifies the problem I have with the importance of image in mainstream media. When faced with the question as to whether her choice to go under the knife for such a drastic transformation might negatively influence any young women who (for some reason) might look up to her, Montag replied that she's in a special situation because she's "in the limelight."
Only a few years ago, before she rose to celebrity status via MTV's reality show "The Hills," Montag was a fresh-faced girl from the small town of Crested Butte, Colorado. Personally, I think she was fairly cute back then, but according to Montag, she felt pressured by the attractiveness of her costars and by being in the public eye to the point that she claims she hated her appearance. Even before her latest and most dramatic round of procedures, she had undergone a nose job and breast augmentation in 2006. Montag also claims that she underwent the plastic surgeries for the sake of her career.
In a blog on usnews.com, Scripps Memorial Hospital chief of surgery Richard Chaffoo considers women who feel they need plastic surgery for purely superficial reasons (particularly to such an extent as Montag) to be in need of counseling, not surgery. He points out the very real mental health issue of body dysmorphic disorder, which is comparable to other such self-image disillusionment problems as anorexia or OCD that are often exacerbated by images of beauty portrayed in the media.
Montag, of course, is hardly alone in her pursuit of her own idea of beauty; the pages of magazines and the internet are teeming with celebrity "before-and-after" galleries.
For every young starlet who goes under the knife for an image update, however, there are far more who are grounded enough to abstain. Really, though, with the miracle of Photoshop, there's no reason why they should feel the need in the first place. I was amazed by the abundance of Youtube videos that demonstrated Photoshop's capacities, and found this one particularly engrossing. (Probably the most famous video depicting the magic of makeup and digital enhancements is the "Evolution" video from Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty.) Additionally, Newsweek featured a gallery of "the decade's most egregious retouching scandals," and the blog thestylebitches.com regularly posts eye-opening comparisons between celebrities as they appear in real life and on billboards and magazine covers.
With the ubiquitousness of such shameless retouching, enhancing, and otherwise nipping-and-tucking whether digitally or surgically, what kind of message must women of all ages be receiving about what it means to be attractive? And what kind of unrealistic expectations must these contrived paragons of beauty be affecting in men? The latter concern is addressed in an article on psychologytoday.com, which, in short, condemns the subjective ideas of beauty put forth in modern media; the former in a study by the psychology department at Vanderbilt University, which concluded that the general effect of media on the average woman's body image is both strong and harmful, causing discrimination.
So what's to be done? An article on nydailynews.com suggests that when an image used in mass media has been Photoshopped, that it be marked with a cautionary sticker akin to those used on explicit CD's. Other groups such as Dove® have launched campaigns and workshops intended to boost self-esteem in young girls by reinforcing the idea that inner beauty is what is most important.
These measures are laudable, to be sure, but for them to rival the effects of what mass media wants us to think of as "beauty" seems, to be perfectly frank, like a fairly insurmountable task. I'm a big believer in "every little bit helps," but if we really want to change our culture's idea of beauty, it seems we should make an effort to confront the problem as much as invent countermeasures. For example, there has been plenty of outrage over the size zero standard generally imposed for runway models, and the Council of Fashion Designers of America has made at least some form of an effort to respond by creating its Health Initiative to encourage diversity in the sizes and ages of models. Also, this year's New York Fashion Week reportedly saw an "eclectic array" of models walking the runway, according to an article on washingtonpost.com.
Between both approaches, it's a start. Given the odds, can the ideals of beauty imposed on us by mass media ever truly be, themselves, made-over? What are your thoughts?
Other related articles:
Fashion industry insiders say not to expect any real change in model standards
As much as I can't stand Heidi Montag, following her recent 10-procedure makeover, she made a statement on Good Morning America that exemplifies the problem I have with the importance of image in mainstream media. When faced with the question as to whether her choice to go under the knife for such a drastic transformation might negatively influence any young women who (for some reason) might look up to her, Montag replied that she's in a special situation because she's "in the limelight."
Only a few years ago, before she rose to celebrity status via MTV's reality show "The Hills," Montag was a fresh-faced girl from the small town of Crested Butte, Colorado. Personally, I think she was fairly cute back then, but according to Montag, she felt pressured by the attractiveness of her costars and by being in the public eye to the point that she claims she hated her appearance. Even before her latest and most dramatic round of procedures, she had undergone a nose job and breast augmentation in 2006. Montag also claims that she underwent the plastic surgeries for the sake of her career.
In a blog on usnews.com, Scripps Memorial Hospital chief of surgery Richard Chaffoo considers women who feel they need plastic surgery for purely superficial reasons (particularly to such an extent as Montag) to be in need of counseling, not surgery. He points out the very real mental health issue of body dysmorphic disorder, which is comparable to other such self-image disillusionment problems as anorexia or OCD that are often exacerbated by images of beauty portrayed in the media.
Montag, of course, is hardly alone in her pursuit of her own idea of beauty; the pages of magazines and the internet are teeming with celebrity "before-and-after" galleries.
For every young starlet who goes under the knife for an image update, however, there are far more who are grounded enough to abstain. Really, though, with the miracle of Photoshop, there's no reason why they should feel the need in the first place. I was amazed by the abundance of Youtube videos that demonstrated Photoshop's capacities, and found this one particularly engrossing. (Probably the most famous video depicting the magic of makeup and digital enhancements is the "Evolution" video from Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty.) Additionally, Newsweek featured a gallery of "the decade's most egregious retouching scandals," and the blog thestylebitches.com regularly posts eye-opening comparisons between celebrities as they appear in real life and on billboards and magazine covers.
With the ubiquitousness of such shameless retouching, enhancing, and otherwise nipping-and-tucking whether digitally or surgically, what kind of message must women of all ages be receiving about what it means to be attractive? And what kind of unrealistic expectations must these contrived paragons of beauty be affecting in men? The latter concern is addressed in an article on psychologytoday.com, which, in short, condemns the subjective ideas of beauty put forth in modern media; the former in a study by the psychology department at Vanderbilt University, which concluded that the general effect of media on the average woman's body image is both strong and harmful, causing discrimination.
So what's to be done? An article on nydailynews.com suggests that when an image used in mass media has been Photoshopped, that it be marked with a cautionary sticker akin to those used on explicit CD's. Other groups such as Dove® have launched campaigns and workshops intended to boost self-esteem in young girls by reinforcing the idea that inner beauty is what is most important.
These measures are laudable, to be sure, but for them to rival the effects of what mass media wants us to think of as "beauty" seems, to be perfectly frank, like a fairly insurmountable task. I'm a big believer in "every little bit helps," but if we really want to change our culture's idea of beauty, it seems we should make an effort to confront the problem as much as invent countermeasures. For example, there has been plenty of outrage over the size zero standard generally imposed for runway models, and the Council of Fashion Designers of America has made at least some form of an effort to respond by creating its Health Initiative to encourage diversity in the sizes and ages of models. Also, this year's New York Fashion Week reportedly saw an "eclectic array" of models walking the runway, according to an article on washingtonpost.com.
Between both approaches, it's a start. Given the odds, can the ideals of beauty imposed on us by mass media ever truly be, themselves, made-over? What are your thoughts?
Other related articles:
Fashion industry insiders say not to expect any real change in model standards
We'll call it a new month's resolution
I don't make New Year's resolutions, simply because I don't usually think to. I do, however, get antsy for change on a fairly regular basis, and generally act on that by rearranging my room or buying a new pair of shoes or something else superficial.
I'm in the mood to make changes again, and this time I'm resolving to make a few healthy changes. Not big ones, but good ones. Therefore....
I will not procrastinate on homework.
I will either jog or do some kind of exercises for half an hour a day.
In addition to my regular reading before I go to bed, I'll read a chapter of Psalms every morning.
I will minimize my junk food consumption.
I will eat healthier in general.
I will continue my one-hour-per-week-weekends-only rule on Facebook.
I will go to bed by 12:30am during the week.
I will read at least one chapter from C.S. Lewis per week.
I will, at least, scan the headlines of 3 major news sources every day.
* * *
And a few superficial changes just for good measure...
I will listen to more music.
I will dye my hair a more adventurous shade of red.
* * *
In the past, I've made similar resolutions and only ever managed to follow through with them for a month or two. I'm going to make sticky notes for these and strategically place them around my room so that they're constantly guilt-tripping me into remembering.
I'm in the mood to make changes again, and this time I'm resolving to make a few healthy changes. Not big ones, but good ones. Therefore....
I will not procrastinate on homework.
I will either jog or do some kind of exercises for half an hour a day.
In addition to my regular reading before I go to bed, I'll read a chapter of Psalms every morning.
I will minimize my junk food consumption.
I will eat healthier in general.
I will continue my one-hour-per-week-weekends-only rule on Facebook.
I will go to bed by 12:30am during the week.
I will read at least one chapter from C.S. Lewis per week.
I will, at least, scan the headlines of 3 major news sources every day.
* * *
And a few superficial changes just for good measure...
I will listen to more music.
I will dye my hair a more adventurous shade of red.
* * *
In the past, I've made similar resolutions and only ever managed to follow through with them for a month or two. I'm going to make sticky notes for these and strategically place them around my room so that they're constantly guilt-tripping me into remembering.
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