I'd like to introduce you to my fish

I was trying to figure out how to put a Facebook badge on my sidebar like some other people I know have done, and I stumbled across these fish. I thought they were pretty nifty, since they're the closest thing I have to real fish at present (despite my best intentions of adopting one for my dorm room for about a year now).

Call me immature, but I am making the most of these fish, and I have named them.

The yellow one is Nemo. The red one is Eddie. The orange one is Lawrence.

For virtual fish, they're surprisingly sociable... they follow your cursor...

Oh to be witty

If I'm remembering correctly, one of the theologians I read last semester actually named wit as a virtue. If so, I'm afraid I'm doomed to a lifetime of virtuelessness.

(No, it's not a word.)

I've always wanted to be a funny person. I got plenty of laughs back in the day when I was under 3 feet tall simply because of my inability to shut up. And after all, kids do say the darndest things. Plus I was a bit precocious, if the old videos are any testament.

Somewhere along the line that ability apparently got lost. For shame. I didn't really realize it til I started my freshman year of high school as an awkward part-time, part-homeschooled student, when I tried desperately to do anything to get noticed. I tried so hard to be hilarious... In retrospect, all I probably did was give the impression that I had Tourette's and/or some other disability, with my random exclamations in class and my intentional falling off of stools or slamming of appendages in my locker on a near-daily basis. I am baffled by the people who knew me freshman year and still talk to me.

When I started trying to get involved with theater sophomore year, I became even more painfully aware of my lack of clever things to say or do. It happens when you're surrounded by people who have a superfluity of such things. Theater people, it seems, are somehow naturally funny. All the time. I don't know how they do it, but I admire them for it.

I quickly realized that the funniness of theater people is not something that can be learned, so I abandoned the pursuit of trying to do so. Instead, I went through a brief phase of trying to emulate the fast-talking, dry-humored characters on Gilmore Girls, then turned my attentions to the "quirky" sort of humor used by people who enjoy Wes Anderson films, who effortlessly and offhandedly spout one-liners that make you cock your head, wondering whether they're profound or not, who listen to indie music and put together the cleverest ensembles of vintage store finds, who have more than one artsy self-portrait on Facebook, and who use capitalization and punctuation and syntax and wordsrunningtogether in a manner that would make any grammar teacher cringe, but somehow looks like poetry.

To be perfectly honest, the latter sense of humor is still what I aspire to. I find it terribly creative. But sadly, I don't believe I'm a creative person at heart, at least not in that way.

And I can't stand Wes Anderson.

Thus, I have resigned myself to my fate as one of the unfunny. Not to say I have the personality of a doorstop, but my sense of humor is rather dry and easily overlooked. Maybe someday I'll grow into it. But then again, probably not. And really, I am finally okay with that. It makes it that much more worthwhile on the few occasions when I do, unintentionally, manage to make someone laugh .

Quote of the day

"A tender heart is not one that has somehow avoided pain and suffering, but rather a heart that has experienced great pain and suffering and has responded to that pain not by becoming calloused and numb, but by having experienced that pain, cannot stand to have anyone else experience it."

(Dedicated to Chris Vogt II)

I wish...

...that Facebook did not have a limit to how many words you can put in the Quotes box. I know too many funny people who say too many funny things, and it doesn't seem fair to have to narrow it down. Maybe I'll start posting Quotes of the Day here as they occur.

Weakness

There was a time in my life when I felt like I was pretty good at looking at problems and obstacles and hardships from God's perspective, at being at least somewhat able to see where God was working good from any situation. But as of right now, I have absolutely no idea whatsoever, no answers, no hints, nothing. For someone who's used to and finds security in knowing things and having direction, it's the most utterly helpless and even terrifying place to be.

It's bad enough when you hear about someone whose life seems to have the odds unfairly stacked against them. It's exponentially worse when that person is one of the people you care most about.

I do not understand why God would allow such an incredible, caring, talented, intelligent, loving, godly person who has so much to offer for His service to be in so much pain for so long. I do not understand why it keeps seeming that, for the most fleeting of instants, there might be hope for release from such patiently long-endured, agonizing suffering, and then that hope is dashed. I do not understand how it's possible that NO ONE has the answer for why the pain is there or how to end it or why it keeps getting worse or how to even provide short-term relief.

I have absolutely no idea what God's purpose could possibly be in this. It just seems utterly unfair. And that terrifies me.

I'd never lose my faith in God, ever, because I know that He does ultimately have a purpose and a plan, but in all honesty I'm very frustrated right now that there is nothing I nor anyone else can do to spare this person I care about so deeply from a burden of which he is undeserving.

I have over the last year learned much better how to love and how to trust God as I've been by the side of this person through more than one trial by fire. But I hate the thought that this person might have been forced to endure these things for the sake of teaching me something. Maybe it's arrogant of me to even wonder if that could be a reason, I don't know... I know nothing.

Actually, there is one thing I do know, and that is that I will neither abandon God nor this person He has brought into my life and is allowing me to show His love to. But in the meantime, I feel totally blind. God tells us to "bear one another's burdens"... but I feel helpless to be able to do anything about this. If there was a way that I could take on some of the pain myself so he wouldn't I have to, I would in a heartbeat... but that's an impossibility. So I pray constantly for the pain simply to be removed, yet that doesn't happen. I haven't lost my faith in the power of prayer, but I admit that I'm very confused and frustrated with the fact that the answer is either "wait" (why hasn't it been long enough?) or even "no."

WHY?

So here I am. Lost. Helpless. Confused. Clueless. Frustrated. Probably selfish. Broken. I have no idea what to do about it. And I hate it. I know all the right things to tell myself about God's will and purpose, but they're little solace right now. That scares me too. I've never been so painfully aware of my weakness. God have mercy.

Psalm 34:18

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

A few thoughts...

This verse has been my lifeline on more than one occasion. I love Psalms... it's so honest, and so relevant to just about every situation in life, especially the more difficult ones. I first started clinging to this verse as a simple reminder that God is always, always there, and not only does He stay by our sides when we are at our lowest, but He heals us.

I had a realization the other night that there is more meaning to this verse than even that.

When something has gone wrong, when I've been hurt or had my heart broken, I have had the tendency to go to one of two extremes: Once, I let myself get so absorbed in my pain that I all but forgot about God, and more often I'd deny my pain, thinking admitting I was hurting meant I wasn't having enough faith in God to be my strength or my Healer. It only took one good (figurative) slap across the face from God to remind me that the first tendency is nothing but a sure-fire way to bury myself deeper in whatever my problem may be, making it that much harder to escape from.

The second tendency, however, was much harder for me to break myself of, and I'm not even sure I can say yet that I've completely broken myself of it. But the other aspect of this verse that God showed me is that not only is He still with me in my pain, but it is okay to be in pain. God, I have seen time and time again, is very good at waiting for us at our lowest points so He can pick us up when we can't stand on our own anymore. When we try to run from the pain or ignore it or deny it or push it aside, rather than facing it, in a way, that's often resisting God. Sometimes we have to be broken for Him to put us back together the way we're supposed to be. Crushed in spirit. Not just battered or discouraged, but crushed, nothing left to contain ourselves, at a point where God alone can work.

We don't have to --and in fact shouldn't-- run from pain. Because often, that's exactly where God wants us. Because that's exactly where He is, waiting with His loving arms to save us.

So... this is blogging...

I decided to start blogging for a few reasons.

First, I was in the habit of writing a lot of notes on Facebook and figured I might as well start being semi-official about it (whatever that means, ha).

Secondly, I have too much time on my hands at the moment and have found myself staring at Facebook for hours upon end without anything even really happening and this seems like an at least mildly better use of my time.

Third, I used to journal religiously, but I've stopped doing that, and I want to get back into the habit in some form because I figure it's probably good for me.

Fourth, I miss writing. For fun, that is. When I was younger I could write fiction and poetry and songs for hours upon end... I don't do that anymore, because I tend to lack either the time or the inspiration or the motivation. Maybe if I start writing ANYTHING again the inspiration for creative stuff will come back... it's a good thought, anyway!

I once had this goal to get something published by the time I graduated from high school. Despite my best aspirations sophomore year, somehow over the next two years I apparently lost my spark for being able to write fiction, or maybe it never really existed in the first place. I'm at least somewhat confident in my ability as a writer, but I'm not much of an ideas person. Looking back over the dozens of unfinished stories from the lovely homeschooled days when I had time for such things, sometimes I've been appalled that my younger self ever thought some of those ideas were worth writing, but there are a few rare gems that I wish I hadn't abandoned, or that I could revive, or that I could at least match the creativity of once again.

Well this has so far been a whole slew of rambling about nothing... so allow me to explain the name for my blog.

I love the book of Ecclesiastes, because it's so poetic and very different in content from anything else in the rest of the Bible -- it looks at first glance like a very depressing, almost existentialist sort of book, but there is so much depth and beauty to it. One of my favorite verses is Ecclesiastes 3:11, which reads "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." And from there was born my title... I'll get into my thoughts about that verse and why I love it so much later :-)

Well... I suppose that's about it for now. I can't promise that anything that follows will be profound or thought-provoking or even interesting, but hey, it's better than wasting my life on Facebook right?